There comes a time in everyones life when they know their time in a space, place, or relationship has expired. For me it was my 6th year teaching middle school art when I finally admitted to myself that I couldn’t do it anymore.
A little bit of back story if you’re new here. I started off in undergrad studying to become a filmmaker more specifically a writer/director and to do so I had to major in Art. We’ll get back to that part in a minute. I excelled very quickly within the program. I wrote and directed a feature film my Sophomore year. This opportunity had only ever been given to graduate students. I was also the first woman and black person. I was lit! Buuut, surprisingly it wasn't giving what I assumed it was supposed to give. I grew up watching 106th and Park, TRL, Access Granted, etc and as a music loving kid who’s second language was writing, it was only right that I became a music video director. I decided this for myself in the 8th grade and rode with it until I made it to college. I was able to achieve all those major accomplishments early and it left me feeling unsatisfied because I thought I’d actually enjoy it more. I just didn’t.
Remember I mentioned having to major in art? Well, with that came taking actual art classes outside of my film classes. I remember not knowing what I was doing at all but having so much fun doing it. I was so confused around the beginning of my senior year. Graduation was coming and I needed to make a decision about what I wanted to do with my future. It was like I had loved something for so long but I knew deep down I didn’t want it anymore. Then there was this new thing that I had fallen in love with but I didn’t know what to with that information. I remember having a conversation with the one person that knew me better than I knew myself, my mama. In a conversation over the phone from my apartment to her back home, she explained that maybe I could teach until I figured out what I wanted to do. She hyped up the fact that I’d get a bunch of breaks with summer being the most special one. I immediately scrunched my face in disgust! “A teacher?! How boring!” I thought to myself. It wasn’t special enough. I’d be just like everyone else. Looking back I think my desire to be a filmmaker had a lot to do with wanting to stand out and be creative. It was untraditional and that’s what I lived for. I immediately told her no.
Graduation came and I needed to buy myself some time. I stayed in my college town and worked as a door greeter for five months until I figured it out. Let’s not forget that I also cut all my hair off and was sleeping on an air mattress in an efficiency. I was going through some things when all I had to do was listen to my mom for the time being. My five months had come to an end and I still didn’t know what I wanted to do with myself. All I knew was what I didn’t want. I moved back home and took my moms advice and started substitute teaching to make some money. To my surprise, being in the classroom wasn’t AS bad as I had made it out to be in my mind. That’s when it came to me! “Why don’t you become an art teacher?” I thought I had just solved all of my issues and I had the solution to what to do with my life. If you remember though, I said I enjoyed art making but I never said I was any good. Damn, another problem!
I realized that if I wanted to do this and be good at it I needed some more instruction so I applied for graduate school for a Masters if Art in Art Education. I’ll tell the story of how grad school rocked my world another day lol. I finished within a year and a half and got my art teaching job two months post graduation. I was elated, I did it! I finally had figured out what I wanted to do with my life. I was safe and secure and I had a lot more confidence in my ability to teach someone else how to create.
I got a job in an inner city low income area where people didn’t really believe in our kids futures past high school. I did though, they were special and taught me so much. When people find out I quit teaching they always think it was the kids. Not at all. They were actually the reason I stayed as long as I did. I was the only art teacher on my campus so that made me the expert but that was always in question when it came to evaluations. Logically they never made sense to me. I understand making sure a brand new teacher understood the ins and outs but past that, I got this! How can we preach to the kids the importance of being and individual and all the differentiated learning when they expected teachers to teach the exact same. Just because I hated that part doesn’t mean that I didn’t excel. I was a really great art teacher and there were moments where I actually liked what I was doing but for the most part I was so unhappy. I felt that I had settled and taken the safe route. It felt like my life was passing me by and I wasn’t being true to myself. By year three I was completely over it but what were my other options? I didn’t have any so I did what any other person that wanted that guaranteed check would do, I stayed.
Another two years had passed and during the summer I had a talk with myself and made myself believe that this was all there was for me. Even though I had built very strong relationships with past and present students, my coworkers felt like family, I was the head volleyball coach with two district championships under my belt, and the “security” of it all, I still was not ok. Was I even ever supposed to stay this long? The time was literally passing me by and I knew one day I was going to look up and I’d be celebrating my 30 years and retirement. Still what else was there for me? I enjoyed making art with all my heart and writing but how could I make a career out of that? I didn’t know. So I stayed. Aside from my feelings I told myself that I was going to have a positive attitude and make this my best year yet. That was until my assistant principal walked in my classroom a couple of days before the kids returned to tell me that I’d have really large classes this year. My classroom seated 28 comfortably so I didn’t expect her to say more than 35. She told me 65 on average. I was too stunned to speak! One adult with 65 kids in a normal sized classroom? Yes, it happened. The first day came and she wasn’t lying. My largest class actually had 76 students. I took them to the auditorium and said play on your phones. I was over it. Eventually they leveled classes in NOVEMBER and my largest class was still 46. During this time I would cry on my way to work to my bestfriend about how I wanted better for myself but I didn’t know what or how. It was a really bad time for me.
By January I had done a lot of crying, conversing with friends, dwelling, contemplating, but most importantly talking to God. I gave it to Him and He confirmed to me that it was ok to leave. He gave me reassurance that the job was a resource not the source, He was. I couldn’t believe that I was actually going to go through with it but it was time. The first week of February I decided to let my administrators know that I was leaving the profession. They supported me 100% and it felt good. Telling my parents was funny because I was so afraid of what they’d think of me. Words like irresponsible and indecisive came to mind. To my surprise they also supported me 100%. Even if they didn’t I was too fed up to continue anyway. By March COVID happened and sent us all home for virtual learning for the remainder of the year. It was a crazy end to that journey. I felt at peace ultimately.
In conclusion, don’t take play it safe. You don’t have to have all the answers to leap. Just trust that God will guide you the rest of the way. A memory that stuck out in my head is how I would stand in front of my students telling them to follow their hearts and do the things in life that made them feel alive and brought them joy. When I realized I was being a hypocrite because I wasn’t practicing what I preached, I knew it was time do what needed to be done. I still don’t know how to categorize what I actually do for a living but I’m happier than I’ve ever been and I know you can’t buy this feeling. I would never trade it for the “security” of the safe route.
